Why some people actually prefer to be the subject of gossip

Gossip is something most of us think about – especially when we’re not in the room. What are people saying? Are they saying anything at all? Would you rather be the subject of gossip – even if it’s behind your back – or be so invisible that no one mentions you?

This isn’t a question from a philosophy class. It’s one that researchers at the University of Mississippi, Duke University, and the University of Kaiserlautern-Landau set out to explore.

The goal was to understand the emotional weight of being gossiped about in comparison to being completely ignored.

Feeling seen, even when it hurts

Decades of research have shown that ostracism – even small, fleeting moments of it – can chip away at our self-worth. Simply being overlooked by a stranger can leave a mark.

“When someone ostracizes you, even if it’s just momentarily, even if it’s just a stranger, it makes you feel like an outsider. It makes you feel bad about yourself. It makes you feel momentarily meaningless,” said Andrew Hales, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Mississippi.

That pain of being left out is powerful. But so is the unease of being talked about. Gossip often carries a negative connotation. Still, if we’re forced to choose between being ignored or being discussed – what would most of us prefer?

“Gossip has a bad reputation for a reason: no one wants to be talked about behind their back,” Hales said.

“But at the same time, people don’t want to be ignored either. So, if your only options are being gossiped about or being seen as so insignificant that no one even mentions you, both feel negative, just in very different ways.

“This research set out to explore what happens when those two powerful social motives collide.”

Childhood curiosity turned career question

Meltem Yucel, a postdoctoral researcher in psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, teamed up with Hales and Selma Rudert, a professor of social psychology and society at the University of Kaiserlautern-Landau in Germany.

Yucel’s interest in gossip started at a young age. Growing up in Turkey, she attended traditional “Day of Gold” gatherings, which are social events where women would eat, drink, and share the latest chatter.

“When I was a kid, if I ever wanted to comment on gossip, I’d be shushed or told not to get involved in adult conversations,” Yucel said. “So, I was always curious – why is it OK when adults do it, but not kids?

“That question stuck with me for a long time, and it wasn’t until my Ph.D. that I finally had the chance to really research it.”

Becoming the subject of gossip

To test their ideas, the researchers asked over 1,000 participants to imagine attending a party. At this party, anyone who leaves becomes the topic of conversation.

The question is, when you step out, would you prefer people talk about you – or not? Across five experiments, the team explored different variations of this scenario.

“People would rather be gossiped about positively than negatively,” Hales said. “But one thing that really surprised me is that within each of those, the preferences were not universal. About a third of participants said they didn’t want to be the focus of positive gossip.”

“While the reasons aren’t fully clear, it’s possible they view positive gossip as potentially insincere, or worry it could quickly turn negative.”

Who wants to be the talk of the town?

The study revealed some interesting personality traits that influence gossip preferences. Gender and narcissism stood out.

“Narcissists often feel entitled and special, so they may believe gossip about them is positive, even if it’s clearly negative,” Hales said. “More likely, though, they prefer negative attention over being ignored altogether.”

The numbers back this up. Around 15% of people who prefer to be talked about – regardless of tone – scored higher on narcissism tests. Men were more likely than women to fall into this group.

Overall, 85% of participants disliked being the subject of negative gossip. Positive gossip, on the other hand, was generally welcomed by 64% of people. But nearly a third still found it uncomfortable.

That discomfort might stem from feeling out of control, worrying about hidden insults, or cultural and religious teachings that discourage gossip.

The social role of gossip

Despite its reputation, gossip isn’t always harmful. According to Yucel, it can serve useful social purposes.

Another surprise from the study was that even negative gossip, when honest and well-intentioned, can help uphold fairness and accountability in groups.

Hales emphasized that gossip is ubiquitous and common because, as social animals, we are fascinated with others. We are going to talk about others when they aren’t present.

“Like all things in life, it’s wise to be compassionate and thoughtful and deliberate about what you choose to share about other people,” said Hales.

In the end, the researchers found that being ignored and being talked about aren’t simple opposites. Both can sting in different ways. But depending on our personalities and experiences, some of us would still rather be seen – even if the spotlight isn’t flattering.

The full study was published in the journal Self and Identity.

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